My name is #1131459. I'm on my 19th year of incarceration and I'm currently being held in the Virginia Department of Corrections. I have been in prison since I was 18 years old. I am serving a 45 year sentence without the possibility of parole.
When this story took place I had been in prison for about 8 years and I was virtually alone. I had come to terms with the fact that my family support system had lost hope and that the few loved ones that were there in the beginning were now gone. I was learning a valuable lesson about family, friends, and loyalty when it came to supporting someone serving time. I began feeling that trust was a luxury that I couldn't afford. Mentally I had come to a place where I would only allow myself to rely on me. As it turns out this was an extremely unhealthy attitude that was making it difficult to maintain a positive perception.
Nevertheless, I was moved to this particular prison for a few years, long enough to have developed a number of very personal relationships with several staff. As a result of these bonds one of the officers approached me with a suggestion that I talk to one of her best friends because she thought we would be good for each other. I must admit, I was a little reluctant at first but I ended up agreeing to the hook up. When I told her I was interested she said, "Good, because I have already convinced her about you and she should be starting her training in a couple of weeks." At this point in my life I was more than skeptical about allowing anyone else get close enough to me to hurt me with disappointment again. I had already experienced enough pain to last two lifetimes.
So one morning, a few weeks later, the officer I mentioned earlier brought her friend directly to my room and introduced us. There was an instant connection between us. I recognized something familiar in her eyes, because this was more than a physical attraction. However, in that brief moment I was unable to fully comprehend exactly what I saw. Time went on and because of her schedule and my ability to move around the institution freely, w were able to lay a foundation for a relationship that lasted 7 years. She came to me with an open mind and never once looked at me as an "offender" or "inmate". There was no judgement or shame and she was extremely passionate about all matters concerning me. Yes, me -- a boy who had become a man in unnatural conditions, while being outcast from society and made a pariah. It felt like I had been left for dead by everyone who ever mattered to me.
I was at the lowest point of my life when this beautiful woman came to me. She was a Godsend. I had lost all hope in the idea of love. To me love was like a unicorn or a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow -- a fantasy of mythic proportions. I felt like love only existed in fairy tales or in the feeble minds of the foolish. She became my evidence, my reason to believe, my reason to strive again. She was my life, my love, and my everything. To me she embodied the highest form of understanding. I was completely lost in her love and I cared very little about anyone or anything else. Her smile and her approval were my chief concerns. Over the next seven years we would endure seemingly insurmountable odds. Together we adapted and overcame. As much as I was a student of life and a graduate of the school of hard knocks, I realized i knew little to nothing about true unconditional love -- either the noun or the verb. It was both a dream and a nighmare at the same time. Although I loved her and completely embraced the love she offered me in a way I never thought possible, I was terrified of being vulnerable.
Toward the end of our relationship I had an internal struggle with a dual reality. The first was the actual reality that I was living and experiencing day to day. The second was the false reality that I created when I allowed myself to be influenced by outside forces and plant a seed of doubt that I allowed to grow. There are times now where I still have trouble trying to differentiate between the two due to the adverse effects of my life experience and current unnatural and inhuman circumstances. Every single day is an adventure and I can't allow myself to be ruled by fear or the unknown.
Group Discussion:
What do you think about the main character in this story?
Have you ever loved someone you weren't supposed to love?
Do you think the female officer was wrong to love the main character?
How would you feel knowing that people were told they could not love you?
Have you ever had a loved one betray you? Explain.
Is it possible to love someone without every experiencing love yourself?
Is it possible to love someone in a non-physical relationship? If so, what would be the foundation for commitment?
How does feeling lovestruck affect you thinking?