My name is #1449341. I've been locked up for 6 years now serving a 42 year sentence for 1st degree murder. I'm a prisoner in the Virginia Department of Corrections. I committed this crime in the year 2010, due to a mental illness I was diagnosed with since 1997. I'm considered a paranoid schizophrenic which I have been ashamed of for years because I always thought I was the man. I thought I had it going on with the ladies and I thought I knew it all in the hood. When you are out there on the streets you become just as crazy as everybody else. How can you be sane in a world of insanity? I lived my whole life in chaos, so I guess my mentality came from my environment. This is why mental illness is very serious in the African American communities. Due to the lack of knowledge and treatment, people are going through life not knowing they have a disorder. People with this kind of disease are often looked at as being crazy, strange, or weird. Remember, there is no cure for mental illness but it can be controlled by living a positive life as productive as possible.
It's a fight that we should all get involved in because you never know how or when it will affect you. I never allowed bullies to stop me from staying positive, because all they want it some attention. I used to go through so much at certain institutions I resided in, because I had to be subjected to a certain kind of pod with all the mental health inmates. It was a challenge every day but I got through it one day at a time. Whenever we would go to chow, the other inmates on the yard used to throw things or make fun of how we looked or talked. They said we were the crazy pod which can cause someone to go into deep depression out of embarrassment. I was so ashamed of myself at first that I used to not eat for days. My starvation woke me up to realize I wasn't crazy. I was just afraid. The only thing that separated us from them was a misunderstanding. So I stopped being ashamed of who I was and faced my situation head on.
I told myself that I was smarter than a lot of these guys because ignorance sometimes comes from fear. I educated myself about my disorder so I could learn how to maintain and treat it without having to take so much medication. Being ashamed will only deprive you of your true potential. For example, I never thought I would ever be able to express myself like this, especially about my personal life. I've always tried to shield this part of me from the rest of the world, because it felt like a weakness that I could not overcome. However, now that I'm opening up it feels like the bravest thing I ever did in my life.
I remember how I used to be that guy hanging with friends laughing and talking about people who were mentally or physically handicapped. We even threw rocks at the short boys just because we were bored and stupid. I took for granted all the things that I was blessed with as a child like I was so perfect. Life shows us that nothing lasts forever or stays the same, not even our minds. Now that I'm officially mentally disabled, I immediately became humble out of fear. Now I'm feeling the depression that others felt when I used to tease them about their disorder. Was it meant to be? Who knows. What I do know is that nothing could've prepared me for something like this so my strength comes from my wisdom.
The cycle has to stop somewhere because we as people need to be more aware of what's going on right here in front of us. We have to stop putting our children on medication at a young age just to receive a check because in the long run it can affect them in the wrong way. Mental health is definitely a problem in the lower class neighborhoods and prison will use that behavior as a tool. I didn't ask for this but I have to live with it regardless of how I feel. So being ashamed of who I am will be a complete waste of time and energy. The best thing you could ever do for yourself is to educate yourself.
Group discussion
Do you know someone with a mental health disorder? How do you feel about that person?
Can a person with a mental illness think rationally? If so, how? If not, why?
Has there ever been a time when you took someone for granted and it came back on you? Explain what happened.
Name an incident when you felt completely humbled.
Does being ashamed of something constitute a sign of weakness? If yes, why? If not, why not?
Is it possible to be ashamed of something you have no control over? If yes, why? If no, why not?
Do you think the author was ashamed of himself, the way he was being treated or the way he treated others? Explain your opinion.
How does feeling ashamed affect your thinking?