My name is #1097746. I've been incarcerated in the Virginia Department of Corrections for 15 years now. During my childhood years I grew up as the spitting image of my father. Even now I can pass for his twin brother instead of his oldest child. My father was not there as the head of our household but I still loved and respected him anyway. I wanted to be just like him even though I didn't know him or understand why he wasn't there. He didn't have to be perfect, because all he had to be was present.
My mother moved on with her life so I had to grow up without a father. However, she met another man who raised us like his own so he became my step-father and mentor. I started to look up to him, because he was the only male role model in my life. He was on the streets so it was only natural that I gravitated to the streets as well. I saw him go in and out of prison so much that it was predetermined that I was headed in the same direction. I guess I can say I am a product of my environment and circumstance.
Now that I met my destiny , prison was my only expectation. I was so trapped in the street life, it prepared me for survival in prison. What I wasn't prepared for was leaving my daughter out there without a father like my did to me. It's crazy how the cycle never ends, because now I haven't seen my daughter in 15 years. The lack of communication is stressing me out even though i still send cards, letters, and picture whenever I get a chance. I never wanted her to feel like her dad did not want her or love her. That's the mistake my dad made to me.
About two years ago I learned that I had a 19 year old son who looked just like me. His mother finally looked me up after nineteen years to tell me that I have a son. I was so upset that i couldn't even talk to her about him. I just wanted to see him and smile. She said all he wanted to do was to see me as well regardless of what I did in the past. He loved me like I loved my father even though I never knew him too. What I was more upset about was the fact that he is being raised in the streets just like me. As a result, he's now incarcerated in the Virginia Department of Corrections for 80 years. The cycle continues.
My daily disappointment is the fact that i did not end the generational cycle with myself so that my children wouldn't have to face the hands of disappointment like me. How many times are we going to witness our children fall victim to the same disappointing habits, behaviors, and traits that were passed down from generation to generation? Children are relentless in wanting to follow in the footsteps of their parents whether they are right or wrong. For some reason we still can't destroy the villainous venom that we constantly implement through our walk, our talk, and our likeness. With this kind of mentality ingrained in their brains, we are setting them up for a disappointing life style.
In closing, my father was not there in my upbringing but decided to be there for my adult years since I've been incarcerated. I had not choice but to forgive him so that i could be a better father to my children. I needed that and sometimes it's good to know that you were loved regardless of how long or painful the situation may have been. Through my experience of disappointment I have learned that while looking for perfection in others, I must see them as human beings first. In order to truly see people for their individual beauty that they possess we have to understand even within the weakness of their fulfillment, their intentions were rooted in a heart before it became their reality. There's nothing wrong with loving yourself first because then you will see the essence in someone else. However, when you don't expect too much from anybody, you can never be disappointed.
Group Discussion
How would you feel if you look and act like someone you never knew or didn't respect?
Describe three ways you can overcome disappointment.
Do you think disappointment is a self-inflicted reaction or is it caused by the actions or others?
What's the scientific or common explanation of someone becoming the person they hate?
What is the root of disappointment? Is it possible to prevent it from happening?
Explain what the author meant by, "I have learned while looking for perfection in others, I must see them as human beings first."
Name at least two incidents when you felt the most disappointment. Why were you disappointed? How did you deal with it?
How does feeling disappointed affect your thinking?