My name is #184354 and I have been in this struggle my entire life. Yet, I’ve only been physically incarcerated for a little under 27 years. I was given a life sentence by a jury that was not my peers. Nor could they see past the fact that I am black and that my victim was an upstanding, rich, white person.
I entered the Virginia Department of so-called “Corrections” in April 1991. I went to the Receiving Unit on a sunny day. I will never forget that day. I had an old pack of cigarettes that I had held for 9 months. On this day I had to have one no matter how old they were. I was so glad to be leaving the Fairfax County Jail. However, at the Jail the air conditioning stayed on all year round. This kep the temperature cool and fairly comfortable there. This wasn’t the case at Powhaten Reception Center. Entering Powhaten you could feel the heat. They had no air conditioning and no fans -- it was hot as hell. I had just entered the real world behind the wall and it was only going to get realer. I realized that i was going to have to get on board if I was to survive. See back then doing time was less punitive. The focus was more on rehabilitation. As a result the prison environment was freer.
When I first came to prison I was angry, bitter, and resentful. I was confused about myself, and I questioned my life’s decline. Drug and alcohol addictions were still afflicting me as I entered the prison and mentally I was just lost. From the beginning I fought with other prisoners and received numerous disciplinary infractions. I was a follower. Whatever which way someone I respected would lead, I would follow and this only caused me more confusion. Getting over the past seemed impossible. The misery that had been plaguing me throughout my life would not leave. It was as if i hadn’t chosen my emotions -- my emotions chose me. Frustration, anger, vindictiveness, vengeance, and bitterness consumed me. The world was forced to deal with the weak man that I had become. My philosophy was Fuck It and Fuck You!
The resentment I had when I arrived in the Virginia prison system was so intense that oftentimes I could only see red. My first cell partner (celly) found out how irate I had become over the years. He had heard that I would it over the smallest issues so he didn’t want to be in the cell with me -- so he moved. My first seven years were really hard for me because I had so much resentment. I made a lot of trips to solitary confinement because I couldn’t stop fighting. During one particular fight we were walking to the mess hall when, for no reason, I just snapped and began choking a guy named Whitey. Whitey was a guy from Washington, DC like me. I considered him to be a friend and a respectable man. Yet, at that particular moment I was choking him. Needless to say, Whitey ended up knocking me out and I was left wearing a swollen left eye. I ended up in the hole for 8 months that time and it was then that I began to realize that I needed some help with my resentment issues. When I was released I finally got some help.
What I learned from this experience was that I could begin to see myself as a special person. I also learned that there is another way to look at and live life. I didn’t have to live confrontationally. I had learned how to understand, identify, and deal with my emotions. Now that I am healed from the emotional distress I no longer allowed my incarceration to define my future. I am a man who has learned who he is and I want others to learn who they are. Most importantly, I’ve learned to take this journey one day at a time.
Group Discussion
What did you think about the person telling the story?
Have you ever had an emotion continue to bother you? If so, what did you do about it?
Have you ever used drugs? If so, which ones?
Does getting high help you deal with problems? Explain.
How often do you feel like you don’t give a fuck about anybody or anything?
Have you ever just snapped out on someone for no real reason? Explain.
Do you think you need to go to prison in order to change your life?
How can resentment affect your thinking?