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Brandon Seward

Lonely


My name is #1471783. I've been incarcerated for over four years now. I'm currently serving time in the Virginia Department of Correction. I'm serving nine years off of two forty-one year sentences. I was only seventeen at the time, which was a very crucial point in my life at such a young age. At first I couldn't see past the time they just gave me because I felt it was too much for my first offense. As time moved on I was sent upstate to the Department of Juvenile Justice. I had to be there until I turned twenty-one and then I had to serve the rest of my sentence in a Correctional Center.

I was basically raised behind bars but the juvenile system was the worst place to ever do time. Everything we did was scheduled by the authorities to maintain and control movement. How long you eat, when you sleep, when you wake up, and anything else you can think of that people take for granted on the streets. When you are at the age of 18, 19, and 20 you have so much energy to express but you can't express it. The average age of a juvenile was between 13-15 so they had nothing to lose. To be honest, I was off the chain myself doing every drug I could get my hands on. I had elders trying to give me good advice but I wasn't trying to hear anything they had to say. All I wanted was to get high, hustle and hang out. I was trying so hard to fit in that I ended up joining a gang just to be a part of something. My behavior really got out of control after that because I was getting so much love from my brothers. However, once I received all this time, I haven't heard from any of them since. I never felt so lonely in my life.

A few of them will ask about me but they still never wrote or left their numbers. Sometimes I wonder should I be mad at them or myself. The older I got the more I realized that everything I did out there was just to get attention. I didn't know that at first but now that I have to think I understand why I'm alone. Of course, if I knew then what I know know now, I would have been more independent. However, it's too late for all of the could've, would've, should've. So now I'm just bitter because I can't trust anybody. I thought I had it all figured out but I guess doing time robbed me of my youth. Being locked up does not constitute justice because it was designed to keep you institutionalized. Therefore, the three years I did in juvenile I had to take advantage of their programs. I took up barbering, painting, and a few other trades that I am proud of. I thought that there was enough progress to show the judge to get an early release but he still made me finish the rest of my time in maximum penitentiary. All of my accomplishments didn't mean anything because the system doesn't care about rehabilitation.

I was devastated but I knew that being mad was not going to change my situation. My family was even more upset because they thought I was coming home as well. I still wonder if only I had done things a little different or smarter. It's always a maybe after you made the wrong decision. Now i can only change what I can control for a better future. I learned to never let anyone or any circumstance define who I am. Only you know what potential dwells inside of you and it's your duty to embrace it. Become what you know because only you can change yourself.

Even though I had to learn the hard way about being alone, I found out it's not as b ad as it seems. In fact I got the chance to see who I really was because the loudest noise in the universe is silence. I was blessed to know my true self which was better than knowing anybody I ever met. Of course, I will think about my past but it's hard to regret my life when everything I've done made me who I am and who I will become.

Group Discussion

  1. What did the author mean when he said, "I understand why I am alone."?

  2. Do you think someone under the age of 18 is mentally and emotionally stable?

  3. How would you feel if you were told what to do every single day of your life?

  4. What kind of mindset do you think he's going to have after being raised by his peers back in society?

  5. Have you ever felt like you couldn't trust anyone? If so, when and why?

  6. How would you feel if you had to do time without any support from your family and friends? Express whatever emotion that comes to mind.

  7. Does being alone make you stronger or weaker? Explain each feeling.

  8. How does feeling lonely affect your thinking?

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