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Afraid

Brandon Seward

Peace! My name is ___________ from New Jersey and I'm currently housed at Buckingham Correctional Center in Virginia serving a sentence of life plus twenty years. The crazy this is, I've just come up on my 20th year of incarceration, and I am 40 years of age. When I got knocked I was 19 years old. Now after serving 20 years you are telling me that I still have to serve -- what! I'm still afraid now of the same thing that I was afraid of twenty years ago when I was first sentenced to life plus twenty years -- the possibility of never going home and dying in prison. While in prison over these last twenty years, I've lost my beloved mother, grandparents, brother, cousins and some friends without ever seeing any of them once during my incarceration. Experiencing tragic events while serving time can make you cold, resentful, bitter, and angry. I was a victim of this during my first 16 years of incarceration. I was fighting myself, officers, and anyone else who I felt disrespected me. I was on a suicide mission.

I ended up being housed in some of Virginia's most notorious Supermax maximum security prisons (The Mountains). I was treated like an animal. I had never felt as dehumanized as when i was being called a "nigger" and a "boy" by racist officers. It seemed I would witness or receive a new dose of racial injustice daily. I was afraid of losing my true identity. They wanted me to submit to them. I felt exactly like Kunta Kinte when his slave master was whipping him in an attempt to break his strength and identity. I wasn't trying not to become "Toby". Growing up, I had been taught the teachings of the Nation of Gods and Earth (5%) and while in prison I began practicing Sunni Islam. Yet, in this environment I was afraid that if I didn't act like a savage beast, I wouldn't receive any respect. I didn't care anymore about life as a whole and I damned sure didn't care about my own life. I was willing to get my respect of die trying. I thought the best way to do this was to fight and stab other people. As a result, I ended up spending long periods of hard time in segregation.

Two years into my stay at The Mountains, I received the worst news of my life when I learned that my mother had passed away. It was at that time that I had a conversation with Allah about my life. I had begun to question myself: what the hell was I doing? Did I want my life to end like this with me acting crazy somewhere in a hole? Who am I? Asking myself these questions began a conscience process of reawakening in my mind, soul, and spirit. My love for Allah and myself began to increase daily. I began to use the righteous principles and moral standards I once stood on before coming to the Mountains to repair myself. I could feel the fear within me withering away daily. You have to understand that I before this moment I had been shot inside the prison by guards. I had been beat up by guards. I had been spoken to like an animal by guards and for the real process of dehumanization had me questioning whether the real me would ever exist again. I had so much hate in my heart. This all changed when I called on Allah.

Since then I've gotten my GED, wrote a book entitled "Prisontry", which has been published and I've gotten married to a beautiful and amazing woman. The most important thing I've learned from all of this is that God is great. My life, trust, and faith is all in Allah now and although my body may be incarcerated, my mind, soul and spirit are free. I've finally made it out of prison.

Questions:

  1. What do you think about the person in this story?

  2. Do you think you would have responded to being abused by guards in the same way as him?

  3. Why do you think he was afraid that he wouldn't be respected unless he acted violently?

  4. Have you ever felt like you had to be violent to get respect?

  5. Have you ever stopped and had a conversation with yourself. Why?

  6. Have you ever suffered a major loss in your life? If so, how did it affect you?

  7. How can feeling afraid affect your thinking?

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3540 Pump Rd.
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